Last time I count on slash to save me from nightmares - last night's were the worst I can remember. Kept waking in a cold sweat, crying myself back to sleep, only to run into another bad dream. I feel so stuck, you know? Tomorrow marks five months since all that shit went down in London, and I'm more unsteady now than I was, even then. Clearly, that's because I was sort of in shock, then, and didn't have five months of nightmares and hang-ups weighing me down at that point, but it still feels something like regression, and if you know me at all, you must know how I feel about that. So, yeah, bad news.
It wasn't a great day - I cried a lot, wrote to Kara, cried some more, and curled up with Sal for a while - but the night saved it all a little. I love my mother, fucking love her, and pretty much love where we are in our relationship right now. (I mean, I wish she was all right with me being gay, but I was the one to fuck that process up by getting involved with a boy again, so. . .) We went shoe-shopping together, and then watched American Idol, and although I can't enjoy either of those activities on my own, we had the most fantastic time. It was good to laugh, and to get out. I needed the human contact, and Erie isn't the ideal place for that, especially now that I've cut my hair, apparently. People say too much shit to me, and I'm forever running into people from high school when I go out, and it all makes me so uncomfortable, but there's really no one here I can go out with, so I'm pretty much stuck in this house the entire time I'm here. Marshall says she wishes I'd just come home with her, and I'd probably be better off right now if I had, but I can't avoid Erie without also avoiding my family, and my cats, and so I need to come back, sometimes, and I just need to find a better way of getting through it. Tomorrow's going to be different. It has to be, really.
It wasn't a great day - I cried a lot, wrote to Kara, cried some more, and curled up with Sal for a while - but the night saved it all a little. I love my mother, fucking love her, and pretty much love where we are in our relationship right now. (I mean, I wish she was all right with me being gay, but I was the one to fuck that process up by getting involved with a boy again, so. . .) We went shoe-shopping together, and then watched American Idol, and although I can't enjoy either of those activities on my own, we had the most fantastic time. It was good to laugh, and to get out. I needed the human contact, and Erie isn't the ideal place for that, especially now that I've cut my hair, apparently. People say too much shit to me, and I'm forever running into people from high school when I go out, and it all makes me so uncomfortable, but there's really no one here I can go out with, so I'm pretty much stuck in this house the entire time I'm here. Marshall says she wishes I'd just come home with her, and I'd probably be better off right now if I had, but I can't avoid Erie without also avoiding my family, and my cats, and so I need to come back, sometimes, and I just need to find a better way of getting through it. Tomorrow's going to be different. It has to be, really.
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