The nightmares have gotten worse: now my brother is in some of them, and Marshall, and my professor. And Jason, of course. I liked it better when my bad dreams were just about me and a guy I never knew, couldn't recognize. I can handle nightmares nearly every night, but not if they're going to be like this. Really, I'm getting sort of hysterical, and I can feel my sleep schedule getting weird again. It's such bad timing, and really makes it hard to greet the day with hope and energy.
I'm not sure where today went - I spent a long time drawing up notes for a story which I've now written most of, only to determine that it's not something I can use for any of my readings. I spent a lot of time petting my cats, talking to them, trying to decide what to do about Spunky. The vet said that as long as he's functional, we can keep him here, but I still worry that someone should look at him, do X-rays, determine that he's not in pain. I'm not in any rush to hand him over, though, so I guess we'll just keep on and see how long he makes it. He's a tough old cat, and I won't be shocked if he makes it 'til the summer, or even after. I just hope he's not hurting.
Talked to DJ Lick tonight, for the first time in ages, and felt so good for it, even though we didn't talk for long. I miss him, and the Friends of Dorothy, and cruising. I'm so much better when I'm someplace unfamiliar and transitory, when I can start over and be brave and bold and free of all these issues. I need to keep moving, I think, fast enough that the heavy things can't quite follow me. I want karaoke every night, and new friends each time I enter a room, and surrogate families who keep all my secrets when I can't open up to anyone else. I need another chance; I want to hit 'refresh' on the past ten years and grow up again. I want to do better than I've done. I want to get it right, for once, and have it last for more than one week among strangers. Grad school will be good for this, I think, but I wish I could be who I wanted here and now, among the people who have put up with me, the people who deserve the best of me.
Yeah, I'm better off in Asheville. Thankfully, it's looking like I'll be back there for the second summer term, which means that I can celebrate Order of the Phoenix, The Deathly Hallows, my birthday, and maybe even Marshall's before coming back to Erie again. Even if summer term is lonely like last year, I'll have time to read, maybe even to do a bit of writing; I can dance in drag and wade in the creek and talk to rabbits I find in the Botanical Gardens. I can have a good birthday, a good time on my own, if it comes to that. I've got high hopes, anyway, and that's enough for tonight, if only because it has to be.
I'm not sure where today went - I spent a long time drawing up notes for a story which I've now written most of, only to determine that it's not something I can use for any of my readings. I spent a lot of time petting my cats, talking to them, trying to decide what to do about Spunky. The vet said that as long as he's functional, we can keep him here, but I still worry that someone should look at him, do X-rays, determine that he's not in pain. I'm not in any rush to hand him over, though, so I guess we'll just keep on and see how long he makes it. He's a tough old cat, and I won't be shocked if he makes it 'til the summer, or even after. I just hope he's not hurting.
Talked to DJ Lick tonight, for the first time in ages, and felt so good for it, even though we didn't talk for long. I miss him, and the Friends of Dorothy, and cruising. I'm so much better when I'm someplace unfamiliar and transitory, when I can start over and be brave and bold and free of all these issues. I need to keep moving, I think, fast enough that the heavy things can't quite follow me. I want karaoke every night, and new friends each time I enter a room, and surrogate families who keep all my secrets when I can't open up to anyone else. I need another chance; I want to hit 'refresh' on the past ten years and grow up again. I want to do better than I've done. I want to get it right, for once, and have it last for more than one week among strangers. Grad school will be good for this, I think, but I wish I could be who I wanted here and now, among the people who have put up with me, the people who deserve the best of me.
Yeah, I'm better off in Asheville. Thankfully, it's looking like I'll be back there for the second summer term, which means that I can celebrate Order of the Phoenix, The Deathly Hallows, my birthday, and maybe even Marshall's before coming back to Erie again. Even if summer term is lonely like last year, I'll have time to read, maybe even to do a bit of writing; I can dance in drag and wade in the creek and talk to rabbits I find in the Botanical Gardens. I can have a good birthday, a good time on my own, if it comes to that. I've got high hopes, anyway, and that's enough for tonight, if only because it has to be.
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