anything you want: you got it.

Watching Top Design alone is certainly no way to spend a Wednesday night. I miss Jana and Jefferson and the way Ali and Chris wander by to watch; I miss when Marshall used to come watch, and the faces Jordy makes at the most unlikeable contestants. Still, I’ve conned my mother into watching half the episode with me, and that’s been good. We also watched American Idol and America’s Next Top Model together, so, yeah, it’s been a big night at the Hilbert household. But when leaving here isn’t an option, distractions are beyond welcome, and my mother must know, without my telling her, exactly what I need, because she’s kept me company ever since getting home from work. We took Sal to the vet today, and started him on antibiotics. Also, he’s graduating from kitten chow to cat food. Since I don’t have kids of my own to fuss over (not yet), I have to make do with my kitten. He’s got a cold, and is curled up by the fire with me, sneezing and yawning but fighting off sleep. Love him.

Also on my love list: Matt and Goil from Top Design, for being consistently fabulous and fun to watch. My kid brother, the way he sings along with K-Ci and JoJo in his room and calls Sal “baby.” Young Steven, for being so brave and open and unapologetic, and for always reminding me that we’re young, that stupid things can make good stories, as long as we commit to them and never stop laughing. Ali, who may never understand me, but who will always inspire me and keep me grounded. All of my professors, especially the ones who regularly encourage me even when I’m hardly giving them reason to. Marshall’s brother, who called me on his way home today just to talk about a meeting he had with his professor. My mom’s friend Maureen, this really spiritual woman who loves really hokey self-help schticks, and somehow manages to better herself at every opportunity. The rabbits who live under our deck and taunt Sal on the daily. Jefferson, who manages to be hilarious and articulate even in his worst moments. Chris, who sends really sweet checking-up-on-you texts and is almost too earnest for me to handle. Sal’s vet, who talks really lovingly about his own cat and plays nice with Sal. Harvey Fierstein, always and forever. Kara, for keeping in touch with me even though her life is so full and I’ve given her so many reasons to quit. Jana, because she’s what brought me to the only city that’s ever felt like home. Mrs. Zeisloft, possibly the only person with a Rick Santorum bumper sticker that I adore and respect, without reservations.

Also: Marshall. Because I had some really sick nightmares last night, and was so frustrated and gloomy this morning, and she just talked to me patiently about doppelgangers and good dreams and how unnecessary all my doubting is. I ended the conversation in tears, shocked to be feeling so good in the midst of this, and it’s kept up all day. Even now, while I’m watching The Real World with my brother and this crazy bitch is trying to turn a gay guy straight while shitty music plays in the background, I can’t stop grinning. Even though said gay guy is now crying after a dramatic airport goodbye with his boyfriend, whom he won’t see again for months, and that’s pretty heartbreaking. Why must I get sucked into other people’s drama so easily?

Today has been charmed, but now it's time to push myself a little bit. Off to write version two of the Queer Conference reading. Let's hope I can do all my favorite strangers justice. Goodnight to anyone who reads this when it's actually nighttime; good day to all the rest of you!