Deleted my last post, figuring that anyone who needed to know what was going on knows already. Have continued to hide out, though, as I get crazier and crazier.
The positive: this craziness has expanded to let in a little mania. I can cry again. I got to spend a long weekend in Marion, Virginia with my girl, and the change of scenery (and being around her family, and her best friend, and her, of course) did me good. I finally finished Audre Lorde's Zami: A New Spelling of My Name while watching Marshall and Stephen play on the beach, and I cried a lot, and thought a lot, and loved it. I was not hospitalized, and may not even have to be now that I've made it this long. My family might come down next weekend. I have been having a lot of cat dreams, sometimes starring Sal, and I wake up feeling warm and ready to face the day, sometimes. I have James Taylor stuck in my head. My professors are really good people, and Lori is especially understanding, even though she probably expects more from me than any other teacher has, and I'm very lucky for that. I got to see Mary Oliver on Friday night, and she was so funny and good to see, and we met all of these awesome artsy people from New Orleans who offered us a place to stay if we come and visit; one guy kept reciting Rumi translations to us before Mary started up. I get to stay with Marshall tonight. Headwaters has finally been sent off to Biltmore Press, after we pulled it together for the third time in, like, two weeks. I have an idea for my senior seminar project. I was on time to work tonight, and have helped a lot of people with dumb things without ever rolling my eyes. I have high, high hopes of talking to Young Steven tonight. I get to write a paper having something to do with Sherman Alexie (I haven't decided what, yet).
The negative: my craziness has expanded. I can cry again. For the first time, I wasn't all that thrilled to enter Asheville city limits again. I am totally hiding out from all the things that scare me, or make me feel unsafe or uncomfortable, and this has really pared my life down. I just can't be around anyone who doesn't absolutely believe I can get through this shit (without being put away for a while), or who resents my problems or my bad timing, because I'm really, really close to giving up and leaving school right now, and they still might put me away, and I can't let myself get into that mindset any more than I do already, on my own. I need to make it through the next month, my next story, my Comfort reading, all of that - without fucking up or falling behind any more than I have already - and I can't leave room for any doubt in there. Anna's dad died. Danny is probably being sent away, and there's absolutely nothing I can do for him. I really, really miss my family and my cats. I have skipped Poetics of Perception way too many times and am still behind on the work, and have pretty much stopped caring. I have to take the Poetics professor for senior seminar next semester, though. I still need to get on something, soon, because I'm really starting to lose my grasp on things, and soon everyone will notice. And honestly, what the fuck am I writing my Sherman Alexie paper about? I was supposed to have that decided last week. This is not like me.
I guess the second list is still longer, but the first list has grown since Tuesday, and I'm starting to get very serious, even severe, about doing what I need. I feel guilty and sad, but I was already overwhelmed with those feelings. Coming this close to the edge has been good for that, at least: Maggi says that this is going to teach me to ask for, and insist on, what I need, and lord knows I'm trying, here. I'm scared, and sad, and sorry for everything I can't do or be right now. I'm trying with everything I've got to do all that I can, and if that isn't enough, then I'm sure that some nurse, or counselor, or friend, or psychiatrist will be happy to tell me again what I'm already terrified of hearing: it's not enough. Until then, though, I'm taking care of it. I'm off to revise a poem and write a paper proposal and critique some stories and close some labs, and I don't have to be alone, or with idle time, tonight, and that's the best I can do, for now.
The positive: this craziness has expanded to let in a little mania. I can cry again. I got to spend a long weekend in Marion, Virginia with my girl, and the change of scenery (and being around her family, and her best friend, and her, of course) did me good. I finally finished Audre Lorde's Zami: A New Spelling of My Name while watching Marshall and Stephen play on the beach, and I cried a lot, and thought a lot, and loved it. I was not hospitalized, and may not even have to be now that I've made it this long. My family might come down next weekend. I have been having a lot of cat dreams, sometimes starring Sal, and I wake up feeling warm and ready to face the day, sometimes. I have James Taylor stuck in my head. My professors are really good people, and Lori is especially understanding, even though she probably expects more from me than any other teacher has, and I'm very lucky for that. I got to see Mary Oliver on Friday night, and she was so funny and good to see, and we met all of these awesome artsy people from New Orleans who offered us a place to stay if we come and visit; one guy kept reciting Rumi translations to us before Mary started up. I get to stay with Marshall tonight. Headwaters has finally been sent off to Biltmore Press, after we pulled it together for the third time in, like, two weeks. I have an idea for my senior seminar project. I was on time to work tonight, and have helped a lot of people with dumb things without ever rolling my eyes. I have high, high hopes of talking to Young Steven tonight. I get to write a paper having something to do with Sherman Alexie (I haven't decided what, yet).
The negative: my craziness has expanded. I can cry again. For the first time, I wasn't all that thrilled to enter Asheville city limits again. I am totally hiding out from all the things that scare me, or make me feel unsafe or uncomfortable, and this has really pared my life down. I just can't be around anyone who doesn't absolutely believe I can get through this shit (without being put away for a while), or who resents my problems or my bad timing, because I'm really, really close to giving up and leaving school right now, and they still might put me away, and I can't let myself get into that mindset any more than I do already, on my own. I need to make it through the next month, my next story, my Comfort reading, all of that - without fucking up or falling behind any more than I have already - and I can't leave room for any doubt in there. Anna's dad died. Danny is probably being sent away, and there's absolutely nothing I can do for him. I really, really miss my family and my cats. I have skipped Poetics of Perception way too many times and am still behind on the work, and have pretty much stopped caring. I have to take the Poetics professor for senior seminar next semester, though. I still need to get on something, soon, because I'm really starting to lose my grasp on things, and soon everyone will notice. And honestly, what the fuck am I writing my Sherman Alexie paper about? I was supposed to have that decided last week. This is not like me.
I guess the second list is still longer, but the first list has grown since Tuesday, and I'm starting to get very serious, even severe, about doing what I need. I feel guilty and sad, but I was already overwhelmed with those feelings. Coming this close to the edge has been good for that, at least: Maggi says that this is going to teach me to ask for, and insist on, what I need, and lord knows I'm trying, here. I'm scared, and sad, and sorry for everything I can't do or be right now. I'm trying with everything I've got to do all that I can, and if that isn't enough, then I'm sure that some nurse, or counselor, or friend, or psychiatrist will be happy to tell me again what I'm already terrified of hearing: it's not enough. Until then, though, I'm taking care of it. I'm off to revise a poem and write a paper proposal and critique some stories and close some labs, and I don't have to be alone, or with idle time, tonight, and that's the best I can do, for now.
